MAE

2010-07-12T21:05:00.000-07:00

Dear M,

I just put my baby to bed, she has been having trouble sleeping lately, she likes to stay up with me and just hang out. Finally I watched her eyes grow heavy and helped her into her bed. (she is 8, by baby). After putting her to bed I felt a need to write, I love it when I feel a need to write, some of my best stuff comes flowing out.

Wow life, it is really interesting.

Over the last few months I have:

-watched both of my kids finish school, with great grades

-witnessed a flood that made history

-watch MA starting to turn into a little lady

-watch EK being baptized

-mourned with friends over diagnosis of cancers

-watched my sister become a mother

-said goodbye to a good friend that moved away

-overcame skin cancer

Sometimes I wish that there would be a big sign in front of me, like a billboard, telling me this is the way I should go in life. I feel as though I am at a crossroads and I don't know where I should go. I am working full time, but miss being home with my girls. I feel as though I am not supporting them as much as I should...however I can't quit, we have to many debts we have to pay off. I really would like to start back to school, and kick myself everyday over the decision to work full time vs. go to school. I want to be working somewhere that I can be home with my kids more, career change, I wish....

School, why not go back....

- I am a chicken....I am scared of the GMAT/MAT/GRE.... ( I am horrible at standardized tests, horrible) there are schools that don't require you to have that score, but I can't afford plane tickets for the 9 day semester stays. I struggle with this everyday and pray that some great answer will fall in my lap. I know what I want to do and I know what I am good at, I just can't get there right now and I am frustrated.

Quit work:

- I wish I could...I am a chicken in this regard too. I need to work for the money. When Tim took the job with WF he took a big pay cut...this job has been really great for him, and a really big blessing. I also need the insurance with all of my health issues.

I don't know what to do, I think all the time how I feel I am failing everyone:

Myself: because I am not doing what I want, I am not working toward my goal of becoming a therapist. I can't keep my house in order, it is so hard to work and keep a clean house, and that makes me feel so inadequate.

My Kids: they are older, but they still need me. They need me to be home to guide and teach them. They need to know that they can count on me. I feel like I let them down everyday that I leave the house to go to work.

My Husband: I try and support him I do...I try to get his clothes cleaned, and dinner ready..once again it is really hard and I am not good at juggling all of these things.

It is heartbreaking to me to see my family suffer because I can't give them what I feel they need.

I have been praying, soul searching for answers, help, friends to talk to....nothing. Sometimes I feel cheated. There is a country song out right now that talks about how 'God must be busy'. That is what I feel like, I don't feel like my prayers are being answered and that I am not being heard. I am lonely...sad...frustrated...and just want a big sign to show me the way I need to go.

Just when I think the Lord hears me, and there is some direction, nope wrong I must have not heard correctly.

I know, I know quit wallowing, ( I can hear one of my friends right now saying this), I am sad. I want to have friends that I can call in the middle of the night, go to the mall and hang with, go to lunch, etc. I don't have any friends like this. Frustrating. Maybe that's just it, I am longing for a friend...

I can remember a time in middle school when I was feeling alone and like no one wanted to be my friend. Middle school is such a hard, and scary time, I really wanted someone to hang out with. So I made it a priority to pray about it each night. Pray for someone to accept me as their friend. I prayed for weeks, I remember when that prayer was answered. Misty was her name and we became the best of friends, I will never forget the joy I felt as I knew Heavenly Father knew me and knew what I needed at that time.

I look back on this experience and try the same thing....nothing.

When is the last time you reached out to someone. When have you called someone and asked to go to lunch, or come over to just hang out?

I know one day I will get all of this figured out...I will accomplish what I want to accomplish, I will become what I am suppose to become. I am going to try to listen though. Listen better for answers, listen better to my children, my husband. I am going to try and act upon thoughts of calling someone or emailing them to make sure they are OK. I know that doors will open for me and I will be directed the way I should go, I just need to be 'patient'.

Love,

Lost Loved Ones

2009-10-23T21:59:00.000-07:00

So I haven't written in a while, and man I can come up with a lot of excuses. I have mentioned in the past that I love to write, and I do. I am going to post some excerpts from entries I have written in the past. So here goes excerpt 1:

12/28/2007 Lost Loved Ones

Tonight as I am unable to sleep as usual I am watching a movie about the Civil War. As I watch in disbelief how many people lost their lives fighting this war, and how the people that loved them would be missing them, it reminded me of the loved ones that I have lost from this physical world.

My first thought was about the son I lost a little over a year ago. He would be turning about one now if he were still here. I think about the life that was growing inside of me, I can remember feeling his first kick, and feeling the life inside of me growing. I was so happy and felt so blessed that I was able to be trusted with another one of Heavenly Fathers children. I was so close to being five months pregnant and I was looking forward to finding out that it was a boy I was carrying. I found out it was a son, but I had found out after he died in my womb. I blamed myself for not eating right, or taking the right vitamins, I was upset that Heavenly Father took this life from me before I was able to hold him, I was just sad. The first baby I lost was just 8 weeks along in my womb, I hadn’t felt this baby move, but I still wanted this baby. It was my first pregnancy and even though I lost my little love baby, on the day of love, Valentines Day, I felt an incredible peace through out my body knowing it was God’s plan. My son, however, I sometimes feel was taken from me to soon. I know I will see him again someday but it leaves me to wonder, what he would have looked like. Would he have had my Timmy’s smile and dimples, would he have red hair like his big sister Emma, or would he be just as brilliant as his big sister Mollie? Whatever he is or would have been in this earthly world, I know he is that much more in Heaven.

My grandma then entered my mind. She was a great lady and I loved her as well. Her name was JRR, and she was a tall lady, but she could hug me and hold me with such gentleness. I regret that I didn’t learn more from here when I was younger, and the things I have learned I cherish. She taught me to live each day like it was your last, and I think that is good sound advice. You are not promised tomorrow. As she grew older and depended on us more, I seemed to have pulled away more than I should have. I wish I had absorbed more wisdom from her. She still remains in my mind quite often, and I wish that my daughters would have known the strength that she was in my life. She was a kind gentle woman and I am glad that I am able to remember her and her love she had for me.

I was watching a show around Christmas time about a grandfather and so I thought about my grandfathers. I never knew my grandfathers in this life, they were gone before I was born, but from what I understand from stories, they were great men. I knew one man that was a grandfather to me, it was Tim’s grandfather ND. I loved him, he meant a lot to me. I know I only got to see him once or twice a year for a few years, but he hugged me every time he saw me. When Tim and I went to visit him only a month or two before he died, he still hugged me and his remarkable self still impressed me even when he was struggling, with his health. He was a good man, and recently, as Tim and I have watched old family movies that he had filmed when he was still alive, it made me miss him more, miss the only grandfather that I knew in this life.

Uncle Tommy was another loved one that I lost. I didn’t know him that well, he is Mamacita’s brother, and he was a great person in my life. I was young when he came to visit before his death. He came and we were shopping at the mall, and he would sit on the benches outside the stores waiting for his loved ones. We would talk then and I got to know him as well. He died shortly after that visit and he didn’t receive the card I sent him to get well. His wife told me that he would have loved it. I can remember being at his funeral and just wishing we were in the mall again just chatting.

I haven’t lost many people in my life, I have only lost a hand full of loved ones but the most current loved one I have lost is my nephew HR. HR was only two and he died shortly after I lost my own son. I didn’t know him well, I had only met him once, but when my brother would send pictures of him to me I would smile because he reminded me of Jon. When my brother Jon was a child he looked exactly like that. He touched many people in this world in his short little life, and he served his purpose, even though it is hard on his parents, his life was lived. Even though loosing loved ones is hard and when others loose loved ones it is hard to see them suffer, I know that we can be with them again someday.

Like I mentioned before I haven’t lost very many people in my life to death, but the ones I have lost have had an incredible impact on me and how I live my daily life. I live as though I might not have tomorrow. I try to live up to my grandmother’s advice and tell those I love that I love them. I think about my two babies I lost and know that all of these loved ones are taking care of them while I can’t right now. They are loved and being taken care of by family members.

Free agency is one of the things that we have in this life and the power to choose how we live. Every day we get to choose how we will act, how we will treat others, how we will treat ourselves, and how we will deal with the loss of life that may come into our lives. I have learned that each of these loved ones died because they were done with their mission on this earth; they accomplished what the Lord sent them to accomplish. From the babies that I lost in my womb, to grandparents, to nephews they all have taught me valuable lessons. My babies taught me to trust in the Lord he knows all things, he knows my heart and he does know what I am capable of and what I am not capable of. He blessed me with this knowledge of knowing I can be with them again, and even though they were only alive for a short few weeks they both taught me a valuable lesson, that my Heavenly Father loves me and he is mindful of all things. That I can rely on my Savior to get me through hard times. I also learned of the incredible amount of peace that comes from him when you are morning, and the way if feels as though the Savior is physically holding you in his arms. Henry taught me even though so young that little people can have a great impact on the world. Henry was only two but he brought together different cultures, religions and his testimony was heard around the world. Loosing grandparents who have lived there life just touches my soul that we are here for a specific purpose and when we have accomplished this purpose and the Lord sees fit, we will leave this world, but you should never take life for granted. The Lord didn’t promise that we would live to see tomorrow, but that we will have eternal life if we follow his commandments.

We must Keep On Keeping On in this life and do the best we can. When we loose someone that we love, we must remember that they are with others that love them, and we have the great privilege of have known them, which is a priceless gift Heavenly Father has given us.

Love,

Self Esteem

2009-08-20T17:09:00.000-07:00

So I haven't written in a while, for a number of reasons, our computer stop working, then we were blessed with a new one, and now I don't have anywhere to put it. So it is on the hope chest in my room, and to sit and type is hard. Not only is it hard to sit there for a long period of time, (my legs go numb), but it is really bright and when I am in my writing mood I can't because it wakes TE up. So....I wrote this a while ago but it is my most recent.

When you google self esteem you get 14,300,000 responses. Look up self esteem in the dictionary and you get this definition (click here). Do you ever think about your self esteem?

-Where does it come from?

-How you got/get it?

-Do you have it/one?

-Who feeds it?

-Do you get self esteem because others say nice things about you (do compliments help)?

-How do you build a persons self esteem?

-HOW CAN I BUILD MINE?

-Do we rely on others to build our own self esteem?

- If famous people didn't have magazines, fans, other famous people telling them how beautiful they are would they feel as confidant as they do now?

-What if no one, I mean NO ONE feels or tells you, you look nice, or are nice, or kind, or loving, would your self esteem be damaged?

-How important is someone else's opinion?

-If you believe that no one feels you are physically OK can you still feel OK about yourself?

This has been on my mind lately. I have been growing my hair long, and no one notices it, does that mean that it looks bad? How come some women can have lots of babies and remain thin, and I have had 2 and can't? Why does genetics have to be so unfair? Or... is it our society that is unfair?

I have been working more which means I get up and get dressed and put make up on everyday. When someone you love and trust comes to you and tells you we need to get clothes that fit. When asked if my clothes are to small or to big, I get... you just need clothes that fit.

Is it possible to have a healthy self esteem? How can I teach my girls positive behavior and self esteem when I believe deep down I am not pretty enough?

A lot of questions that are really hard to answer. I know we can feel OK with ourselves, we are all different. What I don't understand is why I have to wake up each day and wonder these things. I read my scriptures, pray, I know that I am a daughter of God, then why am I feeling so horrible about what I look like?

Tomorrow I will get up and say positive things about myself in the mirror as I am getting ready, things I like about myself, that I wouldn't change, will it help? I hope so, I will also pray for help, I know that I am loved and I am special and I have talents. All I can do is do my best and 'Keep on Keeping On'.

Crying

2009-06-29T21:48:00.000-07:00

When was the last time you had a good cry? Not a tear here and there, but a really good boo, hooing kind of cry? Was it yesterday, today, last month? Tonight I find myself alone right now, my husband is out of town, and my girls are fast asleep. I was watching a chick flick and just began crying. I then just letting it all out. I am not affraid to admit it, crying, yup a whole lot of boo hooing.

It got me thinking, why do we cry? We cry because we are sad, happy, scared, you can cry with just about any emotion. Crying is not bad either. I know sometimes we think crying is a sign of weakness, that we need to be strong for our kids. Sometimes we apologize for crying, why?

I don't cry as often as times in the past, and maybe that is because my life is different right now, but why did I cry today? The movie I was watching was not sad, so why the tears. Well let me explain.

I cried because I am going to miss my friend that has moved back to Hawaii. She has been there for me in times that no one else has been, and known things about me that not to many know. She is a very wonderful inspiration to me and it will be hard not to see her once a week. She is only going to be gone a year, and she will be back periodically, but I still will miss her terribly.

....because I am also saying good bye to some really great people that are moving away. Friends that have been around for a long time and now won't be there anymore.
....for the things that I can't control. Watching friends deal with cancer (in their baby), a friend that had to bury her baby, friends suffering from loss, someone dealing with her husband as he is having heart problems, marriages falling apart. Things that I can't do much about, just feeling helpless.
....for friendship. Friendship that I don't have...I miss having a 'best friend' like when I was younger and I had a 'best friend'. We were the M&M's. Yes I love my husband, and yes we are friends, but not like a friend that will go shopping with you, and give you the honest opinion, a friend that just calls out of the blue or late at night. I miss that kind of friend deeply.
.....for failure. Failure to keep my small figure, failure to be the best wife, mother. Failure of my health sometimes, failure of my self esteem. (wow that was deep).
....for my sister. Who is holding on and praying each day to help her babies enter the world healthy and happy.

Now as I cry here in my room while everyone is sleeping I am feeling renewed. There is a song that I love to listen to and one of the lines in the song is, "when we cry we are letting go of heart ache deep inside'. I believe that is true. We cry we let out the deep feelings of heart ache, which make more room for joy. More room for less stress. More room for love. Crying isn't bad, it isn't a sign of weakness, it means we are alive...we are feeling...we are living.

I found this quote that I really love:

"We can't predict all the struggles and storms in life, not even the ones just around the next corner, but as persons of faith and hope, we know beyond the shadow of any doubt that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true and the best is yet to come."
L. Tom Perry, "Let Him Do It with Simplicity," Ensign, Nov. 2008, 7

We will all have struggles, we will have sadness, opposition, we will have moments when we cry, and after that cry we can feel hope.

Love,

LIFE

2009-05-29T22:36:00.000-07:00

Imagine you are on merry -go-round, you are having such a good time, nothing can be better than letting your guard down and just enjoying the rush of the wind in your hair. Now imagine you are in a swing, you lean back and wow that rush is just as fun, the air you feel as you go up...and down...up and down...the freedom, nothing can stop you now.....LIFE.

Life is a merry go round it spins you and spins you and sometimes our life is like a child's, can't get enough of that spinning the feeling of the air. Then sometimes you can't get off of that merry go round fast enough...with that 'oh no I am going to be sick feeling'.

What about the swing when we are kids swinging is one of the most fun things you can do. It gives you a sense of freedom to take you where ever you want to go. Higher, higher you go, 'please push me higher'. Life can be like that sometimes as well. How is your life right now, a swing or a merry-go- round?

Mine...well I kind of feel like I am spinning out of control. I was looking so forward to the girls being home from school, summer (ahhh), sleeping in, being lazy, taking it easy, lemonade, sitting outside.....LIFE!!! *EK had surgery, she has to be kept still if anyone knows EK they know she can't sit still, go, go, go that is all she wants to do. MA is coughing, coughing, coughing can't stop, we have doctors visits, hospital visits, dentists appointments, fighting. REST... More fighting, she doesn't like me, she won't stop looking at me, what are we going to eat today, can I have a Popsicle? YES!! Quiet, finally.....MOM she just hit me, go to the library, go to the store, shoe breaks (MA) in the store, no shoes there, must keep on going...(faster)...another store MA hobbling along, finally new shoes, trying on each pair, making a mess, which one do I choose, MOM!!! I don't want to match her shoes, can I have 3 pairs, I am hungry, are we almost done. Laundry, it never ends, I can't get caught up, dirt, Popsicle, sick dog, clean out cage, more laundry. MA just sprayed me with the water squirter (for hair do's of course), take away all squirters, no more room on my night stand, confiscated to many things. MOM she just broke the plate, ran out of laundry soap, ran out of dish soap, I have nothing for breakfast. Bronchitis, work, car dies three times on my way, my SHOE breaks at work, have to walk around with one shoe. Favorite shoes, can't fix them, pay bills, have some extra money YAY movie night, nope, dog needs vaccines, MOM my bird needs more food, more money for this, hair cuts, no extra money.....I am at the point where I am saying 'get me off I am going to be sick'. LIFE

How should I handle it? Well let me tell you, I haven't handled it very well. Lots of timeouts, for me. WHEW I am tired. So many things life can bring you and I believe it is all how you handle the situation. I am being taught in different ways how to handle my situations. Watching dear friends suffer deeply and not wavering in their faith, watching other mothers embracing their little ones, and being thankful that they are healthy and OK. I have great teachers around me, teaching me everyday about how LIFE can be. Am I learning? I believe I am slowly. I feel that Heavenly Father gave me some really great teachers in my life, and I am so fortunate to be taught by them. I have a couple of great kids that teach me to laugh at the silly moments and not to be so stressed all the time. 'Chillax' mama, yep from my 6 year old. Laugh at the shoe breaking moments. Friends are always giving me lessons, that they don't even know they are teaching me. I am so blessed. Life isn't always fun, and sometimes it can be really bad, but I know that I am being helped in small ways, it is sometimes really REALLY hard to see the help, but I am being provided tools to help me enjoy and to lay back and let the breeze blow in my hair.

2009-05-15T20:40:00.000-07:00

Dear M,

I am reading this book that a friend recommended, its called; An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination; by Elizabeth McCracken. Wow what a book.

She talks very honestly about her loss and her exact feelings during and after the death of her first child. I am only half way through it but it has already made an impact on me.

I think I relate because I lost a baby, well two babies. It still hurts and I think that this is why I enjoy this book. She talks about how life goes on, and it does, but how everyone else moves on and forgets or doesn't talk about it, like it was never a part of her life. Wow that is so true. When you are pregnant, as I was, for 5 months then deliver a baby that isn't living it is a big deal. I think you understand you were there with/for me. Now three years later, does anyone still remember? Does anyone still think about the baby boy I lost? Probably not, and I wouldn't expect them to. Even my DH doesn't think about it much anymore, it's just something that happened, and I should move on. No one talks about it anymore, and if they did, what would they say? It is an awkward situation. Which is another point she makes in her book.

I watch women get pregnant, and have happy babies all the time. I am thrilled for them, and even more thrilled to watch those that have lost babies try again and succeed. I however, M, am not that courageous. I am just not strong enough to go through that again. I think about little ones in my life, and sometimes wish things might be different. I think about how old he would be, what he would look like. It's human, right? Maybe my faith is just not strong enough. One thing that I have and am trying to learn is accepting my family as it is now. I watch my girls get older, and not need me as much. I am watching them out grow clothes, become sweet young ladies, and I am OK with that, but my heart aches a little. It hurts for that boy I lost, and will never know, here on earth.

Now I don't blame God, and I have learned from some very wonderful people that God doesn't make bad things happen to us, but helps us through our bad things. I know that this little boy of mine will be waiting for me someday. I also learned from a very wise women, that we sometimes have to sacrifice our sunshine for rain so that things can grow. How true is that.

So I would recommend this book as well, if you or someone you know has experienced some sort of loss, even though I am not finished with it yet. Is is one of those books that you read and it just touches you, helps you, inspires you, and lets you know that you are not alone.

I know that loosing someone is hard, really hard, and one might never get over it. It stays with you, but time does pass. You do get up and breathe and take it a day at a time. Sometimes it has to be an hour at a time, and even minute at a time. When you look back though and see that you have made it that minute it gives you the courage to take on the next minute, and those turn into hours, and days. If someone would ask me, if I have learned from this trial of loosing a child, I would have to say, 'I am not sure'. I still don't understand a lot of things, I don't understand why it happened, I don't know why that baby boy of mine didn't make it, or the first baby of mine didn't make it, and I might never know. Sometimes when you go through a trial and you come out the other side you can see oh, now I see what the Lord has in store for me...but I still can't figure it out, M.

Loss is hard and it's like mud you just can't get through it fast. I still have so much to learn, and I understand that my family isn't going to grow anymore, and I am starting to accept that. So read the book if it sounds the least bit interesting to you, I believe I am going to finish it this weekend.

Love Ya,

Spring

2009-04-22T09:43:00.000-07:00

Dear m,

Wow spring here has been so nice. It hasn't been to hot to soon. I have always liked seeing the trees come out of their dormant stage and begin to come alive again. I love seeing the green turn greener, and the flowers start to poke through the ground. It makes me feel as though I have made it through another winter and I am being rewarded for that. Winter can be so tough. With this spring it has brought on some new changes or growth in our current lives. We moved. Yep after 8 years we finally moved away from our old address. We moved into a house, which has been great. I LOVE the room, and feel really blessed that we were in a place where we could afford to move. I have to say though I am having a small amount of trouble adjusting. It is a great place and I love it, but it just doesn't feel like I am 'home'. How do you make it that way, I don't know. I have to admit I have tried just about everything. I have moved things around, hung pictures, moved things around, vacuumed, moved things around, and still am having trouble. I hung some things exactly like the last place I lived, which has helped some, but man I am so ready to call this place 'home'. Everything I love is here, and so that should be enough to call home, and it does. Give me a couple of more weeks to get settled and I am sure I will feel as though this is my home.

Spring has also made e realize, my kids are growing up so fast, I just realized that my little ones aren't so little anymore. Why do I realize this now, this spring. I believe it is because the weather is warmer and so out comes the skirts and shorts, which have been also dormant for the last few months. I realized that they have grown physically because their clothes are to small. Last night I was holding my youngest on my lap and realized that it was a little harder than previously. It is seems sad that we can't be held like that anymore. Wouldn't it be nice just once in a while to curl up in our Heavenly Fathers lap and be told all is OK. I love the way we grow and change and that my girls are becoming young ladies, and feel very blessed to have them. It is fun to see them grow and change, but I miss having them small.

There is another way to tell it is spring around here, and that is the number of babies being born in our ward. Man I tell you what we have a lot this year. It makes it really hard for me. I love babies and all that they bring with them. It hurts to know that I am done having my own babies, and I mourn a little each birth. I have progressed a little in my thinking though and I don't feel that my life is standing still now and others moving forward, that is HUGE. I do however miss having a little one around here. I am having three babies born in my own family, which is an exciting thing. All in good time I guess the mourning will stop.

This spring I will encourage you and me both to stop and enjoy the renewal that is happening all around us. Sit outside and enjoy the sunshine, I have a nice deck outside that is fun to sit and watch the activity. The sunshine makes us all feel better, and I am thankful for it.

Love,

SomeDay...

2009-03-20T23:24:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friend,

Do you ever 'someday' your self? Some of my somedays are; someday I will sleep, someday I will go on that walk, someday my kids won't be yelling, someday I will live in that big house, someday I'll own my own home, someday I will be out of debt, someday I'll have really close friends again, someday I will date my husband again, someday I will be reach out to others more, someday, someday, someday.....I could go on forever.

I seem to have caught the someday bug lately. I find myself sitting thinking about how it would be 'someday'. When did someday thinking take over and why, I don't know. This thought process seems to take more of a role when things aren't going my way, or I am unusually down on myself.

What happens if I keep thinking this way, well I will miss out on the now. I have a good friend that I visit every week, and I remember when one of her friends was visiting she mentioned to me that we need to love ourselves now, and so when we look back on ourselves in thirty years we won't remember ourselves as always wondering 'if only I was thinner' (this was her example). I can understand what she means, because I found a picture of myself 6 years ago and I looked quite nice, but I hated myself then, I thought I was quite heavy, when in all actuality I was thin. I wasted so much energy hating myself, when I could have used is somewhere else. So now here lately when I am somedaying myself to death, will I look back on a picture and think the same thing. I would say I hope not, but in all reality I probably will.

We humans are funny....we can change and we are given the all the tools we need by our Heavenly Father, but so many of us don't, why is that. Why is it that we all sit and think about how someday I will be better at this, or someday I will exercise, someday I will hit my goal weight. Change is hard, BELIEVE me I know, I hate change. I have never liked it, I kick and scream when it comes to changing anything. Am I willing to change my somedays? I don't know. I like to dream, I like to think about how things might turn out later in life, but how much is to much?

I don't have any answers today, but I believe I can get better. I am not going to say tomorrow I am going to NOT think about my somedays, but I can try to think less of them. I believe some somedays are good, but the way I have been obsessing about them can't be to healthy. I have realized that some of my somedays won't come. For instance I probably won't be thin like I was 6 years ago, I am older now and bodies change as you get older (sad, I wish this was different), so why worry about it, right? If I do all I know how to keep myself healthy then I have done my part. So I shouldn't sweat it right?

So I would suggest that we think about now, and love us now. Be thankful, and grateful. Love, Live, and Laugh. We aren't promised tomorrow. I know that someday I will see you again my dear friend, and we can talk about these things in person, and for me this is a good someday. Until then remember don't get to caught up in the somedays.

Love,

Oh, on my last post I mentioned to my friend R about some goals, I have an update. I did make some things for my friends on Valentines day, and I have to say it was the best V day ever. I served others spent time thinking of others and not of the loss that I faced one V day prior, and it was nice. I still remember, I will never forget the loss, but it was nice serving others and letting them know they are loved by me.

On the letter writing, not yet. I got some really great stationary, and do plan on writing, it is still a GOAL. I will accomplish this I will.

Goals

2009-02-02T20:47:00.001-08:00

Hey R,

I have been thinking about you lately. I was doing some emails the other day and your name kept popping up. I tend to think about you a lot, and miss you even more.

I decided that winter is no fun anymore. I really don't like being cold and when it's cloudy and gray it makes it even worse. I can understand while people suffer from seasonal depression, who wouldn't be depressed in the winter when it's cold and cloudy. February is a really hard month for me, I am not quite sure why, but it is. It is the shortest month, but yet it seems the longest of the year. I have decided to try and do something that might make me feel better. This is the month of love, at least the first two weeks, so I am going to give out some of my love.

Sometimes it seems people tend to forget to share love, they are so caught up in their own lives. I want to share this year, and have been thinking of ways to share. My goal is to share something each month, to make someones day brighter. This can help me think of others instead of the long winter and also how hard it is sometimes.

So goal one: Each month do something that shares my love, with someone. I will do this in my family as well as those around me. We are always taught it is better to give than to receive, and I sometimes forget that. So many others in my life have given to me in times when I really needed it, and so I want to do the same.

Do you ever wonder why no one writes letters anymore? We send emails, texts, call those on cell phones, but not many people actually sit down and write a letter. It bothers me that I get bills in the mail, and not much else. I wanted to do something else fun this year. I love to write, I can sometimes write really well, and also want to write a book someday. So this year I decided I am also going to try and write to two people a month. I should have enough friends for that right? Hopefully I will get some responses, if not it will be fun writing any way.

Goal Two: I am going to write two people a month, a hand written letter and mail it. I am going to get some good stationary and write to some really great friends.

I am not going to try and loose weight, and I am not going to try and be healthy, I believe I am already doing that. I don't like New Years resolutions, and so I am going to go back to the YW days and set some goals. I am actually getting excited about setting these goals and actually really trying to achieve them.

Remember my friend to always know that Spring is around the corner, the trees will come alive again, the flowers will bloom, the weather will become warm, and spirits will be risen. I must take my own advice and remember that we are so blessed to live in this world. I miss you my friend, I hope our paths will cross again soon.

Until then,
Love you,

New Year, new format, new MAE?

2009-01-19T19:01:00.000-08:00

New Year, new format, new MAE?
I changed my look and I am going to change the way I write. I haven't written in a while so now I am going to write my post as letters to different people. It will be fun, creative, and I believe very interesting. Stay tuned.

Love,

2008-11-20T16:17:00.000-08:00

I have a friend, one that I hold dear to my heart. I met her through school, she was in one of my classes. She introduced herself to me and since then we have become really great friends. She was one I admitted a horrible challenge I was going through, in tears as I talked she just listened and from listening she helped me out. She didn't know me that well at this time and she still offered me a job (cleaning her house), so that I could help with paying the bills, one less burden. I took her up on that offer, and have been with her ever since. I have been visiting her once a week at least for the past 4 years or so.

Anyone that knows me (close) knows I hate cleaning, I grumble about it, complain about it, yell, cry, I wish someone would do it for me, I would rather be doing anything else. I don't dust, I hate dusting, my kids do that for me. Every week I always hesitate going to my friends house, I have to clean, and her house is so big...but I still go, every week for 4 years. Why, why do I go?

I go because I love her, she brings so much inspiration to my life. She is so fun to be around, and I love having our talks over bed making, and dish washing. I know we don't sit down and talk hours, but some of our short talks have made a real impact on me. I love to help her out, I love feeling as though I am a little fairy, and when they get home everything is in place and clean. I go because I know it brings her mind peace to know that her house is clean. It makes her feel relieved, and I love the reaction I get from her, her husband and her children. I have become a family member, even if it is for a day. I go because I love watching this women from a distance, live life, and be grateful for everything. I go because she teaches me.

Her family just put out a cook book, the money goes to finding a cure for breast cancer. She was diagnosed just over a year ago, and almost exactly a year ago to the day, she was having her first chemo treatment. I just sat down with one of her lovely cook books that I purchased, and was reminded of why I go to her house every week. I watched her be diagnosed, watched her loose her breasts, her hair, watched her so sick she couldn't even get up out of bed, watched her suffer. I also watched her over come these obstacles with friends and loved ones around her. She had and has a great attitude about her body, she is learning to love herself. I have watched amazing miracles come to pass while I am around her. When she called me and told me she had cancer, my first thought was I have to help her. I went for my weekly cleaning before her surgery, and made sure her house was in order. I then asked if she needed dinner for that night, or the week of her surgery. I was concerned and in our church when someone is down we get meals brought in. I offered but someone had already taken care of them, so I did what I do best, I clean. I still thought about her and prayed for her that she would be taken care of, and she was. While she going through this difficult time, I didn't mind going. I watched as someone in her neighborhood brought meals EVERYDAY. I looked at the calendar every time I was there to make sure she was covered, and ready to volunteer if she wasn't. She was covered, covered for months. I watched people come and go, watched them bring cards, cookies, gifts, hugs, and most importantly love and support. I met a lot of these kind people, watched them serve, it inspired me. I came twice a week during these times, so she could feel assured her house was taken care of, my little contribution. She inspired me, I felt like I was in the presence of greatness, her house was filled with a spirit, I felt as though I was walking on hollowed ground. So I wanted to make sure the house looked great for those kind loving people that came to visit.

When she goes through anything she always comes through, that inspires me so much. I write because I am again reminded of this when I read the cook book. I remember some dark times her family went through, I watched in the back ground and did what I do best, clean. I write because I am feeling down myself right now. My disease is in full force, and I am tired. I am tired of feeling bad, tired, aching, I am tired of everything that comes with Crohn's. I miss a lot of life, I miss my kids life, my husbands life, I miss going out with friends. I often think of my friend and her friends and sometimes wonder why I don't have friends like that. When someone asks whats wrong or how are you I tell them OK. On rare occasions I tell them I am hanging in there. When you tell someone you have Crohn's they kind of step back and say oh, I am sorry, what's that. They are not sure how to help out. It is not the best disease to explain(it's a part of life people would rather keep to themselves believe me). Then when they see you next they ask how are you. It's different with cancer, people can relate to that, everyone knows someone that has had cancer, but not everybody knows someone with Crohn's. It is a disease that you have to live with for the rest of your life, there is no cure. I am living with it. I have now found inspiration once again from my friend. I went there today, and came back feeling better. She is such an example to me. If I could only get through feeling alone (I feel this is a lonely disease). I long for friends to come and visit me, to come bring me food, call, send me cards. I am sometimes feeling my lowest, and then I go to my friends for her weekly cleaning and I feel uplifted. She reminds me to live, even though I don't feel like living. As I watch her get excited to receive these cook books, so that others can benefit, watch her help others going through horrible situations, I am inspired. I can make it through, I can overcome this. Just as she has I can too. I can still live, live the best I can, do what I can in that moment and treasure the moments I have now.

We all face challenges in our lives, and I feel as though I have had my share. I believe we are tested by the Lord, he wants to see if we are valiant as we go through our challenges. I feel down right now, and I don't have many friends but I have one. I have one that I hold dear to my heart, and even though I only have known her for a short time, I still know her. She knows me and she lets me come every week to help her so she can help me. She knows how she helps me physically, but she doesn't know how she helps me spiritually. I may not have dinners coming to my door, or calls, or letters, or friends that just stop by, but I have one friend, and I know every week I will be uplifted, and for that I am grateful for her, and for 4 more years (or longer I don't mind), I will visit her once a week, and I will look forward to it.

2008-10-29T09:46:00.000-07:00

So I am sitting here in a quiet house, that is half clean, and I had the urge to write, so I am. I have been meaning to write for a while, but just haven't found the right time. Even though I have been putting my kids to bed at an EARLY 7PM because of some really emotional drama, I still find myself sitting watching TV to exhausted to do much more. So this is why I am writing instead of cleaning my house, going to run an errand, or anything else. So here I go.

I have caught a glimpse. The other day as I was walking our dog I caught a glimpse of what it would be like to feel well again. I felt good, I walked with ease, no pain, I felt light, like I had lost 20 LBS (not true of course), I just felt good. I then thanked my Heavenly Father for that glimpse and silently prayed for more.....here is the more.

I read blogs, that is what I do. I love to see what other people are doing, I love to see how they handle situations, read how their family grows, I get a glimpse in their lives. That is what blogs are right? They are just a glimpse of others and how they are living. I get a lot of those glimpses.

I read about a young mother who takes her children to story time and the library each week.
I read about a mother who is suffering in the hospital while her children are being raised by her sisters.
A mother that cooks meals for her child so she can have a good healthy life (without gluten).
A family that just lost a little boy, their first child and then rejoiced when they delivered another.

I could go on, I just wanted to say I love all of these glimpses. I even get some at the grocery store, or at the mall, church or the park. They are everywhere. All of these little glimpses reminded me of my life. Remember I prayed for more. When I see a glimpse of a young mother with her children at the store or read about them in a blog I remember not to long ago I was a young mother. There was a time when time moved slower, where I didn't work and I devoted most of my time (all of my time) to my two young girls. We went to story time, the zoo, the library every week, the mall, play groups, we had arts and crafts, I did a lot. (I also was a better house keeper than I am now). I remember the times of struggle when my girls were bad at the store, or when I had to change diapers, the days of binkys, or blanket sniffing (HAHA), onesies, jumpers, bouncy seats, snugglies, baby food, toddler food, little shoes, and all that good stuff. It is because of these recent glimpses that I can be thankful for all of those wonderful things. To the young mothers out there it does get easier, just keep on keeping on. I have thanked my Heavenly Father once again for letting me remember these memories, and boy do I wish we had blogs back then.

A glimpse of a mother with her teenage children, make me wonder what it will be like to have my own teenagers, will I have taught them to be a righteous daughter of God, will they be able to Choose the Right? I can't predict the future but I hope and pray for the right things to teach now. I'll have to let you know about this one.

When I sit back and watch my girls, now 9 (almost 10) and 6 year old I sometimes get a glimpse of what they might be. I see MA helping her little sister across a busy street, or reach something for her that is out of her reach. I have watched MA teach EK her alphabet, colors, numbers and many many other things. I watch MA blossoming into a beautiful young lady as her body changes, and she goes from being a young child into a young lady. I can get a glimpse of her beauty, her grace, her daughter of God image. I also get a glimpse of EK and how she is such a good little girl. She LOVES everything, especially life (sometimes I wish I had this), she can sometime love to much, (like hugging the dog so hard he can't breathe). I catch a glimpse of her helping her big sister, comforting others around that need it. I get a glimpse of her in the mirror talking to herself about how beautiful her red hair is, hugging another person that needs a hug. Asking to help all those around that need help. A glimpse of her in the yard ever so carefully caring for her weeds, (watering them, singing to them, making sure they don't get mowed over), I get a glimpse ever so often of what a wonderful young women she will be someday. I then again thank Heavenly Father for these glimpses and ask for more.

One day I saw a older lady and older man holding hands. I can't remember if it was in the mall or at the polling place where I voted. They were so in love, he respected her, she respected him and then I think about me and my TG. I get a glimpse of us growing old together, voting (or shopping) together still holding hands, triumphed over all of our trials. Enjoying our life together. I am thankful that I have this TG in my life. Even though sometimes I feel overwhelmed with marriage, and trying to make him feel validated and getting caught up in daily life, that I forget about us. This is where the glimpse from the blog also comes in. Where a mother and wife is struggling to survive and her husband is there with her, suffering himself. Beautiful. I then remember TG and myself, remember our start, how he has been by my side in horrible times, and I by his. When so many might have lost faith in him, I didn't. We stuck it out and still are. Even though our love story might not be as famous, there is still one there and I still have to remember that, and then I thank my Heavenly Father for these glimpses, and silently beg for more.

One more glimpse I am given. I have been struggling with everything lately. My health, my spirituality, scripture reading, temple attendance, etc.. So one day at my lowest while I was laying in bed wondering how am I ever going to get up I caught a glimpse. It wasn't something I saw or read it is something in my mind. I caught a glimpse of myself in the Temple looking in the mirror. I then remember the glimpse we get in the Temple. How if we do what is right and follow the teachings (be good as my dad would always say), we can return to our Heavenly Father. I got another glimpse of TG and I on our special day, remembering our promises, a glimpse of the love that is there. I felt so blessed and loved to be able to remember these things. The peace you can feel there and in my life when close to the spirit. This was the best glimpse of all and then I remember I can go there, and be there in person. I then thanked my Heavenly Father, and instead of asking for more, just said thank you for loving me.

It has been a really great time having all of these little glimpses into my past, present, and future. I will continue to have them I am sure, but I just wanted to write about them. I love my Heavenly Father, and I am thankful to know him, I don't say it enough I am sure.

2008-10-13T21:35:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wonder if you are ever getting through to your kids? Do you wonder if what you are teaching them really sinks in? I do. I wonder if they notice me, if my example really makes a difference.....today I had some evidence that I actually DO teach my children something.

EXAMPLE ONE: We were taking MA to her pottery class, which is our normal Monday thing. After we drop MA off we walk next door to the library usually (I always have something on hold), well as we were walking out a man held the door open for us, usually I say thank you, but today EK said thank you. It took me by surprise I was so proud of her and her manners. I guess I am teaching them a few things.

EXAMPLE TWO: Today we lost Bubba. While cooking dinner Tim turned on the stove and something was on the burner and well started to burn. We had to open the door to air out the house, and we left just a crack in the door knowing that bubba would want to go outside. Well he got out through the tiny opening of the door. It took us a while to figure this out and when we did he had already been gone a few minutes. As we were searching for him EK started praying. She prayed so hard, for his safety (that he wouldn't get hit by car), that we would find him. She prayed the whole time we were looking for him. At one point she said to me 'mommy Heavenly Father hears our prayers and he will answer them'. What faith our children have. As we were walking around one of our neighbors had told us they saw our dog down the street, so we got in the van and went. Well we found him, we were so thankful, and EK was so grateful that Heavenly Father loves us enough for us to find our bubba. She thanked Heavenly Father all the way back home and then again in her prayers. So I guess I am teaching my girls something right for them to want to ask our Savior for help. I don't have a regular FHE, I don't read my scriptures with them, I don't take them to church regularly (I am sick a lot lately), so I always wonder if they will ever learn the gospel. Somehow they are. They are learning about faith, prayer, treating others with respect, thinking of others (we gave the men that told us where they saw bubba some Jam, the girls thought it would be a good thank you), and all the while I thought I wasn't teaching them anything. I am the one that learned a lesson today, I learned how wonderful our Saviour is and how he does teach my children through me. WOW!

2008-09-30T21:10:00.000-07:00

What do you think about?

I think about:

-My friend D, who is dealing with breast cancer, and her incredible courage to keep going. She has taught me so much about service, love, friendship, accepting yourself, and so many other things (without even knowing she is teaching me). I feel truly blessed to know her. As she prepares for a 5k Race for the Cure, it amazes me the strength she has.

-My four wonderful days of feeling normal. I felt so blessed, my children were sick and I was able to take care of them, and the house, and it felt great. I have a favorite scripture:

Alma 26: 27
"Now when our hearts were depressed, and we were about to turn back, behold, the Lord comforted us, and said: Go amongst thy brethren, the Lamanites, and bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success".

I like to read this when I am feeling down, and for four days I felt as though I was given some success...I still am very grateful for those great days that I actually felt like I was living.

-Visiting Teaching: I am a VT supervisor so I have a few people that report their numbers to me. Having this calling makes me really think about VT and how wonderful the program actually is. I have been blessed to have had some wonderful VT in my life, that have really blessed me. I am glad I have this calling so that I have VT in the front of my brain.

-Everything going on with the economy. Through work I have watched people panic and withdrawal large amounts of money out of their accounts, call with questions to make sure there money is protected. There are those that are worried about their 401K loosing money for their retirement, so many concerns, the phones are ringing off the hook. Panicking because not only are banks having trouble gas is still scarce here in TN, people are so scared. It comforts me that I am prepared (to and extent, I am not where close to having a years supply of food), that I can be comforted to know I will be taken care of.

-How thankful I am for my dog. I know this may sound strange to some, but that little guy has brought me so much joy, it's hard for me to understand. He follows me around like EK use to do before she was in school, he listens to me talk to myself (strange I know, but come on everyone does it). I have never really been a dog person, I have soften up thanks to TG parents and their lovely puppies, but this little guy has made me smile. When I feel really bad he doesn't leave my side, he is always there to make sure I am ok.

-Families, I love mine.

-What it means to be a mother. I have been thinking of my role as a mother and somethings I didn't realize I was going to take on in that role. I have been a nurse this last week, (anyone that knows me knows I hate illness), I did really well taking care of this girls, and making sure they had the correct Popsicles, and love they needed. I have been an artist, by that I mean helping MA with her social studies project. I had no idea I could spell, but as EK is learning to write paragraphs she needs ALOT of things spelled. I am a student, because MA is teaching me about the world as she is doing her project, and I am also refreshing my knowledge on vertebrates, and invertebrates. I cook, (not so well). I have been cutting countries out of fabric. I made two jumpers for the girls to wear to school. One thing I am so grateful for is being a mother. What a wonderful blessing it is to be able to be all of these things.

-How I love fall. I got married in fall, and it is my favorite time of year. The cooler air, the trees turning colors (not happening here yet), pumpkins.

From what I have written it seems I have a lot I have been thinking about, who knew, and I thought I was a boring gal. I am just glad I had four great days to have a clear mind and a working body so that I COULD think of all of this things.

Until Next Time,
MAE

2008-09-23T18:00:00.000-07:00

'When you feel well, LIVE'. This is my new motto. I read a book the other day and this is what was said in the end, I agree with the author.

Today I lived.....

I went to work, and I actually felt good. MA wasn't feeling well today so she stayed home with TG and I went to work. I had a good day, I was alert and I didn't feel as though I was dragging, so I walked slower on the way in, I rolled down the windows and let my hair blow, I walked slower on the way out and enjoyed the beautiful weather. I sat outside and absorbed the sun, I swept the kitchen floor, I did a load of laundry, I gave Bubba a bath, I read to my girls, I snuggled and watched a tv show with MA, I held EK on my lap and gave her kisses, today I lived....

I lived for the first time in a couple of weeks, I woke up and felt like eating, so I ate, I enjoyed my life today, I smiled more, I had a bounce in my step, I was incredibly thankful for the earth, and the weather, I honestly felt like I wasn't the only one NOT living. I felt like I wasn't 'left out' of living, and to that I am grateful.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, I am not sure if I will feel good or bad, but if I feel well I will live, and I recommend everyone do that. We aren't guaranteed tomorrow, so try to live today.

I am not normally a positive thinker, I am no where near perfect, I am learning along with everyone else, but I like to share feeling when I figure something out....that something is live for today, be thankful for each day, (which is hard believe me I know!).

Until Next Time,
MAE

Today

2008-09-18T09:07:00.000-07:00

You know when people ask you, 'What are you doing today?' or 'What is on your schedule for today?' 'What do you have planned for today?' etc. I wanted to talk about what I am doing today. I am reading...(unusual for me), I am reading about others effected with Crohn's, the way they are suffering, did suffer, how they managed their healing, what worked for them in their lives. I am reading books on how to manage my symptoms, how to cook for my illness. I went to the library and checked out every book I can. I am tired, tired of suffering and what any ideas I can have. I feel as though I am a sponge, absorbing any and all information I can. Will that help, I don't know. I have found that I like reading. I am trying to expand my reading, by that I mean reading other things other than one author. I am trying to take my mind off of my sufferings and put that energy into something else.

What do I read? I have been reading mostly Crohn's books, learning a lot about different ways to manage symptoms but I am learning so much more. Learning that I am NOT alone. There are others somewhere in this world that are suffering along with me, feeling the same loneliness that I am feeling. There are others that are suffering different ways with this disease and silently thanking Heavenly Father for my issues that don't seem to be as bad. It helps to read about others suffering and what has helped with them, and giving me ideas to try. I have been reading recommended books on NPR, and books on best sellers list. I have never read so much in my life. I have found that the library is a place I can go and pick up these books without to much trouble.

Back to today. I am sitting in a quiet house wondering what the rest of the world is doing. I wonder this a lot. As I am home bound a lot the last few weeks, I tend to sit in this quiet house and wonder how everyone else is living their lives. How fun it must be to go to lunch with friends, go to work, work out at the gym, take their children to the park, or just going to the grocery store. How wonderful it must feel to be able to walk around the store without knowing where a bathroom is or if your hip is going to hold out long enough to make it through the check out line. I think of the sisters in are ward that are at playgroup, talking about the troubles in their lives, but being able to get out to do that. I wish I was shopping, walking around the mall or outside at an outlet store (even if I don't have money), just enjoying the time alone. I wish I could be at the park playing with my children (who are in school), I miss them anyway. It is funny how I sit here and think how the world is still moving, people are still living, even though I am not able to walk far distances, or stand very long. It can really bring a person down, that is why I have started reading.

So today I read... I read to help get my mind off of things I can't control, I read to think about others who are suffering and offer a silent prayer in their behalf. I read to find solace, comfort, love, and all other things books can offer. I read to pass the time, to help with the quietness. I read because I enjoy it.
Today I also think of things I can do that won't require much movement. (I have been suffering from leg swelling and joint pain). I love to sew and if I am feeling up to it I might finish the jumpers for the girls. It will help with keeping me busy, feeling as though I am living along with everyone else, that I am normal. It will help me know that I can accomplish something.

On another note, my observations:

I usually do the laundry in one day, that way I am not worrying about it all week. I wash it, put it away and then not think about it until next week. The last couple of weeks it has taken me a lot longer to accomplish every day tasks, including the laundry. So when I was putting some of my laundry away today, so that I would have some space to sit, I noticed something quite funny. EK wears at least 2 outfits a day, sometimes more, (I am really trying to stop her from doing this) and she has twice as much laundry as anyone else in this family, which I found funny today. I was feeling so badly while folding laundry that I added clothes to EK pile (these were really MA), and wondering why MA clothes were missing.. HAHA Then while putting my clothes away I noticed the funniest thing of all, ALL of my clothes were PJ's. I haven't dirtied anything else in the last week and a half but underwear and PJ's. I found that funny, sad, and strange all together. More funny that anything else. That explains a lot.

I have also not been able to do much around the house, so I depend on MA and EK to help me out. MA does the dishes and takes out the small garbage's, while EK is suppose to clean the living room and her bedroom. They both are to put there school stuff in their cubbies. My house looks quite interesting. It looks frozen in time. You can tell that I had to stop in the middle of things. The floor is half vacuumed, sewing is half done, blankets half folded etc. It looks like something from Willie Wonka. It probably doesn't look that weird to someone other than me, but it still makes me laugh. I use to be able to accomplish anything I wanted to and finish a project, now it's hard to get things done. Oh well, I guess it could be worse.

For the rest of the day I will be reading, and resting until the girls come home with some much needed hugs and kisses for me. I must say my family is very sweet and kind to me during these times, and I am grateful for this.

Until Next Time,
MAE

UGH

2008-09-14T15:21:00.000-07:00

So today, no church again, I am getting so frustrated. I woke up in such pain. My family went into Crohn's mode...that is what I call it when mommy can't do much. MA went and got the heating pad, EK water and checking the TP in the bathroom, TG got all the necessary medicine, and me well I tried not to cry out in the pain. I laid on the couch and prayed silently as I always do to help me make it through another Crohn's mode. I am feeling better right now, the pain is a little better, (it doesn't take me nearly as long to walk to the bathroom), my hips and joints are still feeling the pain, but my leg swelling (a new symptom) is slowing going down. Sweet family.....what would I do with out them?

I also wanted to write a few funny things that happen around here. So here goes:

EK and MA ride the bus to school, and we love our bus driver, she is a great lady. There are some kids on the bus that are a little crazy and active. So MA comes home to tell me the bus driver threatened them that if they didn't settle down then she would give her route to someone else and she wouldn't drive them anymore. I didn't think about it anymore until the morning when as the bus drove up the street I heard children yelling out, it isn't MS. Stapleton. I heard this over and over, and as my girls got on the bus, they were very sad thinking they would never see her again. As I was getting ready for work my cell rings, I think oh, no who is it now. When I answered it and MA was on the other line I panicked a little bit. She then asked if she was a car rider or bus rider. In my mind I was thinking MA what do you think, then I said it out loud. She answered a car rider? I then gently reminder her no you are a bus rider. She then told me the funniest thing: "Mom I can't ride the bus home, the 'new' bus driver drove really slow, and then she got lost....She didn't know where to turn in and she ended up going to Kroger, can you believe it mom KROGER...we were late for school, when we finally got there. I DON'T want to ride the bus home, can you ask daddy to pick us up?" I told her that no she had to ride the bus she would be fine, and maybe MRS. Stapleton will be back...."MOM she isn't going to be back, just tell daddy we will see him at 6PM." I laughed so hard when I got off the phone called TG and told him and we both had such a good laugh. KIDS.....

I have other stories that I tell my friends at work, but I can't remember any of them right now. I will have to try again some other time. The girls keep us laughing all the time with the things they do.

I am still feeling horrible, just wanted everyone to know. I will survive I always do, but I don't know how sometimes. I pray and ask for help and then I wake up the next day and seem to be a little better. I sleep a lot and I guess that is my bodies way of helping me out. I sometimes wonder why and how I will see the next day, and wonder what people might think of me for missing church. Oh, well I tell my self, I do what I can, and Heavenly Father knows me and my heart. For now I must go and prop up my swollen legs.

Until Next Time,
MAE

9/11/2008

2008-09-11T14:49:00.000-07:00

There is a country song that asks, what were you doing when the world stopped turning on that September day? Well today I wanted to answer that. I was at home watching a friends young children when I caught a glimpse of the a plane going into the first tower. That got my attention and then a few minutes later I saw the other plane, and then the buildings fall. My thoughts were for all the people that were in those towers, I felt for their families, friends, loved ones and all of those in NY. My thought went to my family. I was hoping they were OK. I called my family and made sure they were OK, even though they don't live in NY I still were concerned for them and wanted them to know I loved them. I then got Tim, I can remember not wanting him to leave me and go to work, I was scared he wasn't going to come back. Every time I heard a plane flying low I got scared.

I then thought of my cousin who lives in Manhattan, I was told by my grandma that she was fine, waiting in line with several hundred others waiting to give blood, to help those that would have needed it. If only they would have needed it. I was scared I didn't know what was happening.

I was barely pregnant with EK and I remember thinking what kind of world will this little girl know (not knowing she was a girl then). I will never forget that day, the fear, sorrow, sadness, confusion, (and then thankfulness), that not only I was feeling.

I was a child when the Challenger blew up and I saw that on TV. I was at home sick with my grandma and I can remember the exact thing I was wearing when that happened. 9/11 is another one of those days. Every year I remember how I felt, and like many people say, 'I (we) will never forget'.

Until Next Time,
MAE

2008-09-11T14:10:00.000-07:00

Before I start with my next post I just wanted to leave an update:

First: I remember saying I had a good day last time, well the next day not so much. EK and MA were both trying my patience. EK decided she would do anything to make my life miserable, including stomping on my foot in the grocery line (I forgot to get some potatoes in my last grocery stop, how dumb I will NOT do that again). By the end of the day I had banned all children from going to the store with me. HAHA Good thing they are in school during the day, I don't think I could shop at midnight. So my advise be thankful for your good day, who knows when it will happen again.

I wrote this on Tuesday:

Today I have been thinking a lot about society and the way we perceive the way people look and often judge them on their looks. In our society (I believe) people think that looking younger is the way to go. Everywhere you are you see advertisements for breast augmentation, liposuction, botox. I just received a coupon in the mail for a discount on botox. My question is why? I know that no one can probably answer that, but why do we always want to look so young? It's funny because when we are younger we always want to be or look older, and when we become older we want to look young. Why are we so eager to get rid of the wrinkles that time put on our faces? Why are we so afraid of looking older? Now that I am getting older I often think of these things (silly I know), So when I started to discover wrinkles on my face the first thought was I need to get rid of them. I went and bought some facial creme, thought about other ways that I can fill them in or get rid of them all together, then I stopped myself in this new obsession I had and thought, why? One of the biggest challenges that I am facing right now is my looks and accepting them for what they are. With my illness I am on several different medicines that make you gain weight. So my looks are always on my mind, worried that if I don't fit into a certain size or look a certain way then I am worthless (once again silly I know). The more I thought about it and discussed it with my friend, I came to a realization. I need to love my wrinkles (as much as I could) and embrace them along with everything else about my body. That is so hard to do in the society, but hey I am willing to try. Now how can I think positively about my wrinkle situation? Well this is what I came with. I can think of my wrinkles as badges of honor (sort to speak).

One of my wrinkles could be from the babies I lost, and the sadness it brought to my life, and how I over came that with the incredible love from my Heavenly Father, and the love of my family, and friends. Another wrinkle could represent watching my friend suffer through cancer, and worrying about her family and herself, watching her go through major body changes, but then triumphing over cancer and seeing her smile again, and teach me that looks AREN'T everything. I could go on, but I think you might understand.

With each wrinkle I believe could be a triumph. I am not very good at seeing the good in everything, but I have to say I am trying to be better at it. I am not anywhere near being a perfect thinker, or perfect for that matter. Sometimes I come up with some brilliant ideas, but not that often. Next time I look in the mirror maybe (and I mean maybe) I'll remember this and be glad that I have acquired these wrinkles on my face.

Until Next Time,
MAE

2008-09-08T17:37:00.000-07:00

I missed church yesterday because the girls were having some tummy trouble (possibly from all the junk the ate at the fair), so Tim and I each took care of one of the girls, by the end of the day they were feeling much better. When they woke up for school today they were totally fine, I am just glad that it wasn't me this time!!!!

Today was a good day, I seemed to accomplished mostly of what I wanted to. I went to work, then came home and I got a nap in, (that almost never happens), I got to the store without any major catastrophes (with the girls), I cooked dinner, and I even got the floor swept (that almost never happens).

I reflected a lot about myself today and ways I can improve. Well I am a BIG complainer, I complain about everything. I usually don't do it in public, so this might be a surprise to some, I have realized that I have become more of a complainer lately. So I tried not to complain at all today, so far so good. I bit my tongue a lot especially when I tripped on some shoes, and Emma tracked water all over the bathroom floor, or Tim just watched me make dinner and do the dishes, I am proud of myself. I handled it well I think I will try tomorrow as well.

So today was a good day, I can't guarantee that I won't feel sick tomorrow, but I have learned to live in the now, taking each day at a time, and being thankful for the wellness I have felt today.

Until Next Time,

MAE

Hello

2008-09-07T16:24:00.000-07:00

I love to blog I have realized, so I decided to blog my life. What I mean by that is that life from my view. I will continue with our family blog, but this blog will have what books I am reading, topics in the news I find interesting, things that might make me angry, something I might find uplifting, etc. I will get started sometime this week, so stay tuned...

Mae

We are Bloggers

2008-01-22T18:10:00.000-08:00

Well, I finally decided to start keeping our family and friends more informed on the Embody family. I hope to add more postings as I learn to use this site. Enjoy