Dear M,

I just put my baby to bed, she has been having trouble sleeping lately, she likes to stay up with me and just hang out. Finally I watched her eyes grow heavy and helped her into her bed. (she is 8, by baby). After putting her to bed I felt a need to write, I love it when I feel a need to write, some of my best stuff comes flowing out.

Wow life, it is really interesting.

Over the last few months I have:

-watched both of my kids finish school, with great grades

-witnessed a flood that made history

-watch MA starting to turn into a little lady

-watch EK being baptized

-mourned with friends over diagnosis of cancers

-watched my sister become a mother

-said goodbye to a good friend that moved away

-overcame skin cancer

Sometimes I wish that there would be a big sign in front of me, like a billboard, telling me this is the way I should go in life. I feel as though I am at a crossroads and I don't know where I should go. I am working full time, but miss being home with my girls. I feel as though I am not supporting them as much as I should...however I can't quit, we have to many debts we have to pay off. I really would like to start back to school, and kick myself everyday over the decision to work full time vs. go to school. I want to be working somewhere that I can be home with my kids more, career change, I wish....

School, why not go back....

- I am a chicken....I am scared of the GMAT/MAT/GRE.... ( I am horrible at standardized tests, horrible) there are schools that don't require you to have that score, but I can't afford plane tickets for the 9 day semester stays. I struggle with this everyday and pray that some great answer will fall in my lap. I know what I want to do and I know what I am good at, I just can't get there right now and I am frustrated.

Quit work:

- I wish I could...I am a chicken in this regard too. I need to work for the money. When Tim took the job with WF he took a big pay cut...this job has been really great for him, and a really big blessing. I also need the insurance with all of my health issues.

I don't know what to do, I think all the time how I feel I am failing everyone:

Myself: because I am not doing what I want, I am not working toward my goal of becoming a therapist. I can't keep my house in order, it is so hard to work and keep a clean house, and that makes me feel so inadequate.

My Kids: they are older, but they still need me. They need me to be home to guide and teach them. They need to know that they can count on me. I feel like I let them down everyday that I leave the house to go to work.

My Husband: I try and support him I do...I try to get his clothes cleaned, and dinner ready..once again it is really hard and I am not good at juggling all of these things.

It is heartbreaking to me to see my family suffer because I can't give them what I feel they need.

I have been praying, soul searching for answers, help, friends to talk to....nothing. Sometimes I feel cheated. There is a country song out right now that talks about how 'God must be busy'. That is what I feel like, I don't feel like my prayers are being answered and that I am not being heard. I am lonely...sad...frustrated...and just want a big sign to show me the way I need to go.

Just when I think the Lord hears me, and there is some direction, nope wrong I must have not heard correctly.

I know, I know quit wallowing, ( I can hear one of my friends right now saying this), I am sad. I want to have friends that I can call in the middle of the night, go to the mall and hang with, go to lunch, etc. I don't have any friends like this. Frustrating. Maybe that's just it, I am longing for a friend...

I can remember a time in middle school when I was feeling alone and like no one wanted to be my friend. Middle school is such a hard, and scary time, I really wanted someone to hang out with. So I made it a priority to pray about it each night. Pray for someone to accept me as their friend. I prayed for weeks, I remember when that prayer was answered. Misty was her name and we became the best of friends, I will never forget the joy I felt as I knew Heavenly Father knew me and knew what I needed at that time.

I look back on this experience and try the same thing....nothing.

When is the last time you reached out to someone. When have you called someone and asked to go to lunch, or come over to just hang out?

I know one day I will get all of this figured out...I will accomplish what I want to accomplish, I will become what I am suppose to become. I am going to try to listen though. Listen better for answers, listen better to my children, my husband. I am going to try and act upon thoughts of calling someone or emailing them to make sure they are OK. I know that doors will open for me and I will be directed the way I should go, I just need to be 'patient'.

Love,

Lost Loved Ones

So I haven't written in a while, and man I can come up with a lot of excuses.  I have mentioned in the past that I love to write, and I do.  I am going to post some excerpts from entries I have written in the past.  So here goes excerpt 1:

12/28/2007  Lost Loved Ones

 

Tonight as I am unable to sleep as usual I am watching a movie about the Civil War.  As I watch in disbelief how many people lost their lives fighting this war, and how  the people that loved them would be missing them, it reminded me of the loved ones that I have lost from this physical world. 

My first thought was about the son I lost a little over a year ago.  He would be turning about one now if he were still here.  I think about the life that was growing inside of me, I can remember feeling his first kick, and feeling the life inside of me growing.  I was so happy and felt so blessed that I was able to be trusted with another one of Heavenly Fathers children.  I was so close to being five months pregnant and I was looking forward to finding out that it was a boy I was carrying.  I found out it was a son, but I had found out after he died in my womb.  I blamed myself for not eating right, or taking the right vitamins, I was upset that Heavenly Father took this life from me before I was able to hold him, I was just sad.  The first baby I lost was just 8 weeks along in my womb, I hadn’t felt this baby move, but I still wanted this baby.  It was my first pregnancy and even though I lost my little love baby, on the day of love, Valentines Day, I felt an incredible peace through out my body knowing it was God’s plan.  My son, however, I sometimes feel was taken from me to soon.  I know I will see him again someday but it leaves me to wonder, what he would have looked like.  Would he have had my Timmy’s smile and dimples, would he have red hair like his big sister Emma, or would he be just as brilliant as his big sister Mollie?  Whatever he is or would have been in this earthly world, I know he is that much more in Heaven.

My grandma then entered my mind.  She was a great lady and I loved her as well.  Her name was JRR,  and she was a tall lady, but she could hug me and hold me with such gentleness.  I regret that I didn’t learn more from here when I was younger, and the things I have learned I cherish.  She taught me to live each day like it was your last, and I think that is good sound advice.  You are not promised tomorrow.  As she grew older and depended on us more, I seemed to have pulled away more than I should have.  I wish I had absorbed more wisdom from her.  She still remains in my mind quite often, and I wish that my daughters would have known the strength that she was in my life.  She was a kind gentle woman and I am glad that I am able to remember her and her love she had for me.

I was watching a show around Christmas time about a grandfather and so I thought about my grandfathers.  I never knew my grandfathers in this life, they were gone before I was born, but from what I understand from stories, they were great men.  I knew one man that was a grandfather to me, it was Tim’s grandfather ND.  I loved him, he meant a lot to me.  I know I only got to see him once or twice a year for a few years, but he hugged me every time he saw me.  When Tim and I went to visit him only a month or two before he died, he still hugged me and his remarkable self still impressed me even when he was struggling, with his health.  He was a good man, and recently, as Tim and I have watched old family movies that he had filmed when he was still alive, it made me miss him more, miss the only grandfather that I knew in this life.

Uncle Tommy was another loved one that I lost.  I didn’t know him that well, he is Mamacita’s brother, and he was a great person in my life.  I was young when he came to visit before his death.  He came and we were shopping at the mall, and he would sit on the benches outside the stores waiting for his loved ones.  We would talk then and I got to know him as well.  He died shortly after that visit and he didn’t receive the card I sent him to get well.  His wife told me that he would have loved it.  I can remember being at his funeral and just wishing we were in the mall again just chatting.

I haven’t lost many people in my life, I have only lost a hand full of loved ones but the most current loved one I have lost is my nephew HR.  HR was only two and he died shortly after I lost my own son.  I didn’t know him well, I had only met him once, but when my brother would send pictures of him to me I would smile because he reminded me of Jon.  When my brother Jon was a child he looked exactly like that.  He touched many people in this world in his short little life, and he served his purpose, even though it is hard on his parents, his life was lived.  Even though loosing loved ones is hard and when others loose loved ones it is hard to see them suffer, I know that we can be with them again someday.

Like I mentioned before I haven’t lost very many people in my life to death, but the ones I have lost have had an incredible impact on me and how I live my daily life.  I live as though I might not have tomorrow.  I try to live up to my grandmother’s advice and tell those I love that I love them.  I think about my two babies I lost and know that all of these loved ones are taking care of them while I can’t right now.  They are loved and being taken care of by family members.

Free agency is one of the things that we have in this life and the power to choose how we live.  Every day we get to choose how we will act, how we will treat others, how we will treat ourselves, and how we will deal with the loss of life that may come into our lives.  I have learned that each of these loved ones died because they were done with their mission on this earth; they accomplished what the Lord sent them to accomplish.  From the babies that I lost in my womb, to grandparents, to nephews they all have taught me valuable lessons.  My babies taught me to trust in the Lord he knows all things, he knows my heart and he does know what I am capable of and what I am not capable of.  He blessed me with this knowledge of knowing I can be with them again, and even though they were only alive for a short few weeks they both taught me a valuable lesson, that my Heavenly Father loves me and he is mindful of all things.  That I can rely on my Savior to get me through hard times.  I also learned of the incredible amount of peace that comes from him when you are morning, and the way if feels as though the Savior is physically holding you in his arms.  Henry taught me even though so young that little people can have a great impact on the world.  Henry was only two but he brought together different cultures, religions and his testimony was heard around the world.  Loosing grandparents who have lived there life just touches my soul that we are here for a specific purpose and when we have accomplished this purpose and the Lord sees fit, we will leave this world, but you should never take life for granted.  The Lord didn’t promise that we would live to see tomorrow, but that we will have eternal life if we follow his commandments.

We must Keep On Keeping On in this life and do the best we can.  When we loose someone that we love, we must remember that they are with others that love them, and we have the great privilege of have known them, which is a priceless gift Heavenly Father has given us.

 

 

Love,

Self Esteem

So I haven't written in a while, for a number of reasons, our computer stop working, then we were blessed with a new one, and now I don't have anywhere to put it.  So it is on the hope chest in my room, and to sit and type is hard.  Not only is it hard to sit there for a long period of time, (my legs go numb), but it is really bright and when I am in my writing mood I can't because it wakes TE up.  So....I wrote this a while ago but it is my most recent.

When you google self esteem you get 14,300,000 responses.  Look up self esteem in the dictionary and you get this definition (click here).  Do you ever think about your self esteem?

-Where does it come from?

-How you got/get it?

-Do you have it/one?

-Who feeds it?

-Do you get self esteem because others say nice things about you (do compliments help)?

-How do you build a persons self esteem?

-HOW CAN I BUILD MINE?

-Do we rely on others to build our own self esteem?

- If famous people didn't have magazines, fans, other famous people telling them how beautiful they are would they feel as confidant as they do now?

-What if no one, I mean NO ONE  feels or tells you, you look nice, or are nice, or kind, or loving, would your self esteem be damaged?

-How important is someone else's opinion?

-If you believe that no one feels you are physically OK can you still feel OK about yourself?

This has been on my mind lately.  I have been growing my hair long, and no one notices it, does that mean that it looks bad?  How come some women can have lots of babies and remain thin, and I have had 2 and can't?  Why does genetics have to be so unfair?  Or... is it our society that is unfair?

I have been working more which means I get up and get dressed and put make up on everyday.  When someone you love and trust comes to you and tells you we need to get clothes that fit.  When asked if my clothes are to small or to big, I get... you just need clothes that fit.  

Is it possible to have a healthy self esteem?  How can I teach my girls positive behavior and self esteem when I believe deep down I am not pretty enough?

A lot of questions that are really hard to answer.  I know we can feel OK with ourselves, we are all different.  What I don't understand is why I have to wake up each day and wonder these things.   I read my scriptures, pray, I know that I am a daughter of God, then why am I feeling so horrible about what I look like?  

Tomorrow I will get up and say positive things about myself in the mirror as I am getting ready, things I like about myself, that I wouldn't change, will it help?  I  hope so, I will also pray for help, I know that I am loved and I am special and I have talents.  All I can do is do my best and 'Keep on Keeping On'.

 

Crying

When was the last time you had a good cry? Not a tear here and there, but a really good boo, hooing kind of cry? Was it yesterday, today, last month? Tonight I find myself alone right now, my husband is out of town, and my girls are fast asleep. I was watching a chick flick and just began crying. I then just letting it all out. I am not affraid to admit it, crying, yup a whole lot of boo hooing.

It got me thinking, why do we cry? We cry because we are sad, happy, scared, you can cry with just about any emotion. Crying is not bad either. I know sometimes we think crying is a sign of weakness, that we need to be strong for our kids. Sometimes we apologize for crying, why?

I don't cry as often as times in the past, and maybe that is because my life is different right now, but why did I cry today? The movie I was watching was not sad, so why the tears. Well let me explain.

I cried because I am going to miss my friend that has moved back to Hawaii. She has been there for me in times that no one else has been, and known things about me that not to many know. She is a very wonderful inspiration to me and it will be hard not to see her once a week. She is only going to be gone a year, and she will be back periodically, but I still will miss her terribly.

....because I am also saying good bye to some really great people that are moving away. Friends that have been around for a long time and now won't be there anymore.
....for the things that I can't control. Watching friends deal with cancer (in their baby), a friend that had to bury her baby, friends suffering from loss, someone dealing with her husband as he is having heart problems, marriages falling apart. Things that I can't do much about, just feeling helpless.
....for friendship. Friendship that I don't have...I miss having a 'best friend' like when I was younger and I had a 'best friend'. We were the M&M's. Yes I love my husband, and yes we are friends, but not like a friend that will go shopping with you, and give you the honest opinion, a friend that just calls out of the blue or late at night. I miss that kind of friend deeply.
.....for failure. Failure to keep my small figure, failure to be the best wife, mother. Failure of my health sometimes, failure of my self esteem. (wow that was deep).
....for my sister. Who is holding on and praying each day to help her babies enter the world healthy and happy.

Now as I cry here in my room while everyone is sleeping I am feeling renewed. There is a song that I love to listen to and one of the lines in the song is, "when we cry we are letting go of heart ache deep inside'. I believe that is true. We cry we let out the deep feelings of heart ache, which make more room for joy. More room for less stress. More room for love. Crying isn't bad, it isn't a sign of weakness, it means we are alive...we are feeling...we are living.

I found this quote that I really love:

"We can't predict all the struggles and storms in life, not even the ones just around the next corner, but as persons of faith and hope, we know beyond the shadow of any doubt that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true and the best is yet to come."
L. Tom Perry, "Let Him Do It with Simplicity," Ensign, Nov. 2008, 7

We will all have struggles, we will have sadness, opposition, we will have moments when we cry, and after that cry we can feel hope.


Love,

LIFE

Imagine you are on merry -go-round, you are having such a good time, nothing can be better than letting your guard down and just enjoying the rush of the wind in your hair.  Now imagine you are in a swing, you lean back and wow that rush is just as fun, the air you feel as you go up...and down...up and down...the freedom, nothing can stop you now.....LIFE.

Life is a merry go round it spins you and spins you and sometimes our life is like a child's, can't get enough of that spinning the feeling of the air.  Then sometimes you can't get off of that merry go round fast enough...with that 'oh no I am going to be sick feeling'.  

What about the swing when we are kids swinging is one of the most fun things you can do.  It gives you a sense of freedom to take you where ever you want to go.  Higher, higher you go, 'please push me higher'.  Life can be like that sometimes as well.  How is your life right now, a swing or a merry-go- round?

Mine...well I kind of feel like I am spinning out of control.   I was looking so forward to the girls being home from school, summer (ahhh), sleeping in, being lazy, taking it easy, lemonade, sitting outside.....LIFE!!!      *EK had surgery, she has to be kept still if anyone knows EK they know she can't sit still, go, go, go that is all she wants to do.  MA is coughing, coughing, coughing can't stop,  we have doctors visits, hospital visits, dentists appointments, fighting.  REST... More fighting, she doesn't like me, she won't stop looking at me, what are we going to eat today, can I have a Popsicle?  YES!!   Quiet, finally.....MOM she just hit me, go to the library, go to the store, shoe breaks (MA) in the store, no shoes there, must keep on going...(faster)...another store MA hobbling along, finally new shoes, trying on each pair, making a mess, which one do I choose, MOM!!!   I don't want to match her shoes, can I have 3 pairs,  I am hungry, are we almost done.   Laundry, it never ends, I can't get caught up, dirt, Popsicle, sick dog, clean out cage, more laundry.  MA just sprayed me with the water squirter (for hair do's of course), take away all squirters, no more room on my night stand, confiscated to many things.   MOM she just broke the plate, ran out of laundry soap, ran out of dish soap, I have nothing for breakfast.  Bronchitis, work, car dies three times on my way, my SHOE breaks at work, have to walk around with one shoe.  Favorite shoes, can't fix them, pay bills, have some extra money YAY movie night, nope, dog needs vaccines, MOM my bird needs more food, more money for this, hair cuts, no extra money.....I am at the point where I am saying 'get me off I am going to be sick'.  LIFE

How should I handle it?  Well let me tell you, I haven't handled it very well.  Lots of timeouts,  for me.  WHEW I am tired.  So many things life can bring you and I believe it is all how you handle the situation.  I am being taught in different ways how to handle my situations.  Watching dear friends suffer deeply and not wavering in their faith,  watching other mothers embracing their little ones, and being thankful that they are healthy and OK.  I have great teachers around me, teaching me everyday about how LIFE can be.  Am I learning?  I believe I am slowly.  I feel that Heavenly Father gave me some really great teachers in my life, and I am so fortunate to be taught by them.  I have a couple of great kids that teach me to laugh at the silly moments and not to be so stressed all the time.  'Chillax' mama, yep from my 6 year old.  Laugh at the shoe breaking moments.  Friends are always giving me lessons, that they don't even know they are teaching me.  I am so blessed.  Life isn't always fun, and sometimes it can be really bad, but I know that I am being helped in small ways, it is sometimes really REALLY hard to see the help, but I am being provided tools to help me enjoy and to lay back and let the breeze blow in my hair.   

Dear M,

I am reading this book that a friend recommended, its called; An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination; by Elizabeth McCracken.  Wow what a book.

 She talks very honestly about her loss and her exact feelings during and after the death of her first child.  I am only half way through it but it has already made an impact on me.  

I think I relate because I lost a baby, well two babies.    It still hurts and I think that this is why I enjoy this book.  She talks about how life goes on, and it does, but how everyone else moves on and forgets or doesn't talk about it, like it was never a part of her life.  Wow that is so true.  When you are pregnant, as I was, for 5 months then deliver a baby that isn't living it is a big deal.  I think you understand you were there with/for me.  Now three years later, does anyone still remember?  Does anyone still think about the baby boy I lost?  Probably not, and I wouldn't expect them to.  Even my DH doesn't think about it much anymore, it's just something that happened, and I should move on.  No one talks about it anymore, and if they did, what would they say?  It is an awkward situation.   Which is another point she makes in her book.

I watch women get pregnant,  and have happy babies all the time.  I am thrilled for them, and even more thrilled to watch those that have lost babies try again and succeed.  I however, M, am not that courageous.  I am just not strong enough to go through that again.  I think about little ones in my life, and sometimes wish things might be different.  I think about how old he would be, what he would look like.  It's human, right?  Maybe my faith is just not strong enough.  One thing that I have and am trying to learn is accepting my family as it is now.  I watch my girls get older, and not need me as much.  I am watching them out grow clothes, become sweet young ladies, and I am OK with that,  but my heart aches a little.  It hurts for that boy I lost, and will never know, here on earth.  

Now I don't blame God, and I have learned from some very wonderful people that God doesn't make bad things happen to us, but helps us through our bad things.  I know that this little boy of mine will be waiting for me someday.  I also learned from a very wise women, that we sometimes have to sacrifice our sunshine for rain so that things can grow.  How true is that.  

So I would recommend this book as well, if you or someone you know has experienced some sort of loss, even though I am not finished with it yet.  Is is one of those books that you read and it just touches you, helps you, inspires you,  and lets you know that you are not alone.  

I know that loosing someone is hard, really hard, and one might never get over it.  It stays with you, but time does pass.  You do get up and breathe and take it a day at a time.  Sometimes it has to be an hour at a time, and even minute at a time.  When you look back though and see that you have made it that minute it gives you the courage to take on the next minute, and those turn into hours, and days.  If someone would ask me, if I have learned from this trial of loosing a child, I would have to say, 'I am not sure'.  I still don't understand a lot of things, I don't understand why it happened, I don't know why that baby boy of mine didn't make it, or the first baby of mine didn't make it, and I might never know.  Sometimes when you go through a trial and you come out the other side you can see oh, now I see what the Lord has in store for me...but I still can't figure it out, M.  

Loss is hard and it's like mud you just can't get through it fast.    I still have so much to learn, and I understand that my family isn't going to grow anymore, and I am starting to accept that.    So read the book if it sounds the least bit interesting to you, I believe I am going to finish it this weekend.

Love Ya,

Spring

Dear m,

Wow spring here has been so nice.  It hasn't been to hot to soon.  I have always liked seeing the trees come out of their dormant stage and begin to come alive again.  I love seeing the green turn greener, and the flowers start to poke through the ground.  It makes me feel as though I have made it through another winter and I am being rewarded for that.  Winter can be so tough.  With this spring it has brought on some new changes or growth in our current lives.  We moved.  Yep after 8 years we finally moved away from our old address.  We moved into a house, which has been great.  I LOVE the room, and feel really blessed that we were in a place where we could afford to move.  I have to say though I am having a small amount of trouble adjusting.  It is a great place and I love it, but it just doesn't feel like I am 'home'.  How do you make it that way, I don't know.  I have to admit I have tried just about everything.  I have moved  things around, hung pictures, moved things around, vacuumed, moved things around, and still am having trouble.  I hung some things exactly like the last place I lived, which has helped some, but man I am so ready to call this place 'home'.    Everything I love is here, and so that should be enough to call home, and it does.  Give me a couple of more weeks to get settled and I am sure I will feel as though this is my home.

Spring has also made e realize, my kids are growing up so fast, I just realized that my little ones aren't so little anymore.  Why do I realize this now, this spring.  I believe it is because the weather is warmer and so out comes the skirts and shorts, which have been also dormant for the last few months.  I realized that they have grown physically because their clothes are to small.  Last night I was holding my youngest on my lap and realized that it was a little harder than previously.  It is seems sad that we can't be held like that anymore.  Wouldn't it be nice just once in a while to curl up in our Heavenly Fathers lap and be told all is OK.   I love the way we grow and change and that my girls are becoming young ladies, and feel very blessed to have them.  It is fun to see them grow and change, but I miss having them small.

There is another way to tell it is spring around here, and that is the number of babies being born in our ward.  Man I tell you what we have a lot this year.  It makes it really hard for me.  I love babies and all that they bring with them.  It hurts to know that I am done having my own babies, and I mourn a little each birth.  I have progressed a little in my thinking though and I don't feel that my life is standing still now and others moving forward, that is HUGE.  I do however miss having a little one around here.  I am having three babies born in my own family,  which is an exciting thing.   All in good time I guess the mourning will stop.

This spring I will encourage you and me both to stop and enjoy the renewal that is happening all around us.    Sit outside and enjoy the sunshine, I have a nice deck outside that is fun to sit and watch the activity.  The sunshine makes us all feel better, and I am thankful for it.  

Love,