12/28/2007 Lost Loved Ones
Tonight as I am unable to sleep as usual I am watching a movie about the Civil War. As I watch in disbelief how many people lost their lives fighting this war, and how the people that loved them would be missing them, it reminded me of the loved ones that I have lost from this physical world.
My first thought was about the son I lost a little over a year ago. He would be turning about one now if he were still here. I think about the life that was growing inside of me, I can remember feeling his first kick, and feeling the life inside of me growing. I was so happy and felt so blessed that I was able to be trusted with another one of Heavenly Fathers children. I was so close to being five months pregnant and I was looking forward to finding out that it was a boy I was carrying. I found out it was a son, but I had found out after he died in my womb. I blamed myself for not eating right, or taking the right vitamins, I was upset that Heavenly Father took this life from me before I was able to hold him, I was just sad. The first baby I lost was just 8 weeks along in my womb, I hadn’t felt this baby move, but I still wanted this baby. It was my first pregnancy and even though I lost my little love baby, on the day of love, Valentines Day, I felt an incredible peace through out my body knowing it was God’s plan. My son, however, I sometimes feel was taken from me to soon. I know I will see him again someday but it leaves me to wonder, what he would have looked like. Would he have had my Timmy’s smile and dimples, would he have red hair like his big sister Emma, or would he be just as brilliant as his big sister Mollie? Whatever he is or would have been in this earthly world, I know he is that much more in Heaven.
My grandma then entered my mind. She was a great lady and I loved her as well. Her name was JRR, and she was a tall lady, but she could hug me and hold me with such gentleness. I regret that I didn’t learn more from here when I was younger, and the things I have learned I cherish. She taught me to live each day like it was your last, and I think that is good sound advice. You are not promised tomorrow. As she grew older and depended on us more, I seemed to have pulled away more than I should have. I wish I had absorbed more wisdom from her. She still remains in my mind quite often, and I wish that my daughters would have known the strength that she was in my life. She was a kind gentle woman and I am glad that I am able to remember her and her love she had for me.
I was watching a show around Christmas time about a grandfather and so I thought about my grandfathers. I never knew my grandfathers in this life, they were gone before I was born, but from what I understand from stories, they were great men. I knew one man that was a grandfather to me, it was Tim’s grandfather ND. I loved him, he meant a lot to me. I know I only got to see him once or twice a year for a few years, but he hugged me every time he saw me. When Tim and I went to visit him only a month or two before he died, he still hugged me and his remarkable self still impressed me even when he was struggling, with his health. He was a good man, and recently, as Tim and I have watched old family movies that he had filmed when he was still alive, it made me miss him more, miss the only grandfather that I knew in this life.
Uncle Tommy was another loved one that I lost. I didn’t know him that well, he is Mamacita’s brother, and he was a great person in my life. I was young when he came to visit before his death. He came and we were shopping at the mall, and he would sit on the benches outside the stores waiting for his loved ones. We would talk then and I got to know him as well. He died shortly after that visit and he didn’t receive the card I sent him to get well. His wife told me that he would have loved it. I can remember being at his funeral and just wishing we were in the mall again just chatting.
I haven’t lost many people in my life, I have only lost a hand full of loved ones but the most current loved one I have lost is my nephew HR. HR was only two and he died shortly after I lost my own son. I didn’t know him well, I had only met him once, but when my brother would send pictures of him to me I would smile because he reminded me of Jon. When my brother Jon was a child he looked exactly like that. He touched many people in this world in his short little life, and he served his purpose, even though it is hard on his parents, his life was lived. Even though loosing loved ones is hard and when others loose loved ones it is hard to see them suffer, I know that we can be with them again someday.
Like I mentioned before I haven’t lost very many people in my life to death, but the ones I have lost have had an incredible impact on me and how I live my daily life. I live as though I might not have tomorrow. I try to live up to my grandmother’s advice and tell those I love that I love them. I think about my two babies I lost and know that all of these loved ones are taking care of them while I can’t right now. They are loved and being taken care of by family members.
Free agency is one of the things that we have in this life and the power to choose how we live. Every day we get to choose how we will act, how we will treat others, how we will treat ourselves, and how we will deal with the loss of life that may come into our lives. I have learned that each of these loved ones died because they were done with their mission on this earth; they accomplished what the Lord sent them to accomplish. From the babies that I lost in my womb, to grandparents, to nephews they all have taught me valuable lessons. My babies taught me to trust in the Lord he knows all things, he knows my heart and he does know what I am capable of and what I am not capable of. He blessed me with this knowledge of knowing I can be with them again, and even though they were only alive for a short few weeks they both taught me a valuable lesson, that my Heavenly Father loves me and he is mindful of all things. That I can rely on my Savior to get me through hard times. I also learned of the incredible amount of peace that comes from him when you are morning, and the way if feels as though the Savior is physically holding you in his arms. Henry taught me even though so young that little people can have a great impact on the world. Henry was only two but he brought together different cultures, religions and his testimony was heard around the world. Loosing grandparents who have lived there life just touches my soul that we are here for a specific purpose and when we have accomplished this purpose and the Lord sees fit, we will leave this world, but you should never take life for granted. The Lord didn’t promise that we would live to see tomorrow, but that we will have eternal life if we follow his commandments.
We must Keep On Keeping On in this life and do the best we can. When we loose someone that we love, we must remember that they are with others that love them, and we have the great privilege of have known them, which is a priceless gift Heavenly Father has given us.
1 comment:
Losses are such an unfortunate part of earthly life. :( Thank you for sharing, your writing is beautiful, and so descriptive I feel part of your pain through it.
Feel better, blogger friend,
-Heather
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