Dear M,

I just put my baby to bed, she has been having trouble sleeping lately, she likes to stay up with me and just hang out. Finally I watched her eyes grow heavy and helped her into her bed. (she is 8, by baby). After putting her to bed I felt a need to write, I love it when I feel a need to write, some of my best stuff comes flowing out.

Wow life, it is really interesting.

Over the last few months I have:

-watched both of my kids finish school, with great grades

-witnessed a flood that made history

-watch MA starting to turn into a little lady

-watch EK being baptized

-mourned with friends over diagnosis of cancers

-watched my sister become a mother

-said goodbye to a good friend that moved away

-overcame skin cancer

Sometimes I wish that there would be a big sign in front of me, like a billboard, telling me this is the way I should go in life. I feel as though I am at a crossroads and I don't know where I should go. I am working full time, but miss being home with my girls. I feel as though I am not supporting them as much as I should...however I can't quit, we have to many debts we have to pay off. I really would like to start back to school, and kick myself everyday over the decision to work full time vs. go to school. I want to be working somewhere that I can be home with my kids more, career change, I wish....

School, why not go back....

- I am a chicken....I am scared of the GMAT/MAT/GRE.... ( I am horrible at standardized tests, horrible) there are schools that don't require you to have that score, but I can't afford plane tickets for the 9 day semester stays. I struggle with this everyday and pray that some great answer will fall in my lap. I know what I want to do and I know what I am good at, I just can't get there right now and I am frustrated.

Quit work:

- I wish I could...I am a chicken in this regard too. I need to work for the money. When Tim took the job with WF he took a big pay cut...this job has been really great for him, and a really big blessing. I also need the insurance with all of my health issues.

I don't know what to do, I think all the time how I feel I am failing everyone:

Myself: because I am not doing what I want, I am not working toward my goal of becoming a therapist. I can't keep my house in order, it is so hard to work and keep a clean house, and that makes me feel so inadequate.

My Kids: they are older, but they still need me. They need me to be home to guide and teach them. They need to know that they can count on me. I feel like I let them down everyday that I leave the house to go to work.

My Husband: I try and support him I do...I try to get his clothes cleaned, and dinner ready..once again it is really hard and I am not good at juggling all of these things.

It is heartbreaking to me to see my family suffer because I can't give them what I feel they need.

I have been praying, soul searching for answers, help, friends to talk to....nothing. Sometimes I feel cheated. There is a country song out right now that talks about how 'God must be busy'. That is what I feel like, I don't feel like my prayers are being answered and that I am not being heard. I am lonely...sad...frustrated...and just want a big sign to show me the way I need to go.

Just when I think the Lord hears me, and there is some direction, nope wrong I must have not heard correctly.

I know, I know quit wallowing, ( I can hear one of my friends right now saying this), I am sad. I want to have friends that I can call in the middle of the night, go to the mall and hang with, go to lunch, etc. I don't have any friends like this. Frustrating. Maybe that's just it, I am longing for a friend...

I can remember a time in middle school when I was feeling alone and like no one wanted to be my friend. Middle school is such a hard, and scary time, I really wanted someone to hang out with. So I made it a priority to pray about it each night. Pray for someone to accept me as their friend. I prayed for weeks, I remember when that prayer was answered. Misty was her name and we became the best of friends, I will never forget the joy I felt as I knew Heavenly Father knew me and knew what I needed at that time.

I look back on this experience and try the same thing....nothing.

When is the last time you reached out to someone. When have you called someone and asked to go to lunch, or come over to just hang out?

I know one day I will get all of this figured out...I will accomplish what I want to accomplish, I will become what I am suppose to become. I am going to try to listen though. Listen better for answers, listen better to my children, my husband. I am going to try and act upon thoughts of calling someone or emailing them to make sure they are OK. I know that doors will open for me and I will be directed the way I should go, I just need to be 'patient'.

Love,