Dear M,

I am reading this book that a friend recommended, its called; An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination; by Elizabeth McCracken.  Wow what a book.

 She talks very honestly about her loss and her exact feelings during and after the death of her first child.  I am only half way through it but it has already made an impact on me.  

I think I relate because I lost a baby, well two babies.    It still hurts and I think that this is why I enjoy this book.  She talks about how life goes on, and it does, but how everyone else moves on and forgets or doesn't talk about it, like it was never a part of her life.  Wow that is so true.  When you are pregnant, as I was, for 5 months then deliver a baby that isn't living it is a big deal.  I think you understand you were there with/for me.  Now three years later, does anyone still remember?  Does anyone still think about the baby boy I lost?  Probably not, and I wouldn't expect them to.  Even my DH doesn't think about it much anymore, it's just something that happened, and I should move on.  No one talks about it anymore, and if they did, what would they say?  It is an awkward situation.   Which is another point she makes in her book.

I watch women get pregnant,  and have happy babies all the time.  I am thrilled for them, and even more thrilled to watch those that have lost babies try again and succeed.  I however, M, am not that courageous.  I am just not strong enough to go through that again.  I think about little ones in my life, and sometimes wish things might be different.  I think about how old he would be, what he would look like.  It's human, right?  Maybe my faith is just not strong enough.  One thing that I have and am trying to learn is accepting my family as it is now.  I watch my girls get older, and not need me as much.  I am watching them out grow clothes, become sweet young ladies, and I am OK with that,  but my heart aches a little.  It hurts for that boy I lost, and will never know, here on earth.  

Now I don't blame God, and I have learned from some very wonderful people that God doesn't make bad things happen to us, but helps us through our bad things.  I know that this little boy of mine will be waiting for me someday.  I also learned from a very wise women, that we sometimes have to sacrifice our sunshine for rain so that things can grow.  How true is that.  

So I would recommend this book as well, if you or someone you know has experienced some sort of loss, even though I am not finished with it yet.  Is is one of those books that you read and it just touches you, helps you, inspires you,  and lets you know that you are not alone.  

I know that loosing someone is hard, really hard, and one might never get over it.  It stays with you, but time does pass.  You do get up and breathe and take it a day at a time.  Sometimes it has to be an hour at a time, and even minute at a time.  When you look back though and see that you have made it that minute it gives you the courage to take on the next minute, and those turn into hours, and days.  If someone would ask me, if I have learned from this trial of loosing a child, I would have to say, 'I am not sure'.  I still don't understand a lot of things, I don't understand why it happened, I don't know why that baby boy of mine didn't make it, or the first baby of mine didn't make it, and I might never know.  Sometimes when you go through a trial and you come out the other side you can see oh, now I see what the Lord has in store for me...but I still can't figure it out, M.  

Loss is hard and it's like mud you just can't get through it fast.    I still have so much to learn, and I understand that my family isn't going to grow anymore, and I am starting to accept that.    So read the book if it sounds the least bit interesting to you, I believe I am going to finish it this weekend.

Love Ya,